Am I Codependent With My Addict?
I was always tired, and I didn’t know why. Everyone else my age seemed perfectly capable of working full-time while taking care of their home and their families. I, on the other hand, always felt overwhelmed. Every day was a struggle, like running uphill against the wind.
At 39, I was way too young too young to feel this old.
Then It All Came Crashing Down
The first time I heard the word codependent was when I was sitting in a family therapy session after my husband ended up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. The counselor had been asking my children and me a series of questions, and he had given all of us some literature to read along with questionnaires to fill out.
My packet had ‘Are You Codependent?’ splashed across the front of it.
It started out by saying that co-dependency is when one partner is dependent on the other for approval and happiness. That confused me at first, because I felt like if one of us was dependent on the other, it was definitely him that was dependent on me. So who was this information really for?
I read it again, and I realized that I got hung up on the word, dependent. My husband was dependent on me in many ways, but he hadn’t been happy in a long time, and he certainly wasn’t looking for my approval.
Seeing The Signs
Above the first set of questions, it read: ‘People who are co-dependent consistently put their spouse’s needs ahead of their own, even when it is to their own detriment’. Now, that got me thinking.
I was always taking care of him, cleaning up his messes, and I had to do everything else, too. He’d go to work, come home, and plop down in front of the TV with a couple of six packs and a bottle of Jack while I cooked and cleaned and drove the kids around.
Now that he was in rehab, I should have time to do something for myself, but instead, I felt lost and confused. I had no idea what I was going to do without him.
Who’s The Addict Here?
In my mind, an addict was someone who couldn’t get by without drugs, alcohol or excessive eating, maybe even certain behaviors like shopping or gambling. Now I was learning that you can be addicted to another person.
Was I addicted to my husband?
There was a checklist to help to help me start to figure that out:
- Taking Excessive Amounts of Responsibility for Others – Making excuses for your partner’s behavior and going out of your way to solve his problems and keep him happy.
- Making His Feelings More Important than Yours – Losing touch with your own opinions, feelings, and values and adopting his.
- Fearing Abandonment – Feeling as though you are responsible for your partner’s happiness.
- Losing Touch with Yourself – Seeing yourself in a very different way from who you really are.
- Being Unable to Recognize and Set Healthy Boundaries – Saying yes when you really want to say no and not trusting your partner to carry their share of the load.
I saw bits and pieces of myself in every example.
Now What?
Just as my husband needed treatment for his addiction, I needed treatment for mine. And it was more about my learning how to measure my self-worth in a healthy way than it was about my relationship with my husband.
It took a fair amount of work, but we’ve both been in recovery for 16 years now, and life is good.
If you are seeking help, either for yourself or for a loved one, please contact Beginnings Treatment Centers today and speak with one of our experienced and professional intake advisors, we’re here to help you.
